e. e. cunnings

Yikes, The Web. Yikes.

1. Go to Google.com
2. Try searching for the lyrics of the song “I Got My Mojo Workin’” by Muddy Waters.
3. Get through eight letters and type “I Got My Mo”, to see what the MOST COMMONLY SEARCHED FOR suggestion that pops down is.
4. Be disappointed in everyone, everywhere.

The Elevator

Today I was leaving work on a run, walking into the elevator in my building and just as I was stepping in, I felt one of those primal reverberations where I just ‘sensed’ that there was an absurdly beautiful woman in the vicinity.  And sure enough, in the elevator was [REDACTED].  [I’m going to leave the name off, but think of the stereotypically hottest twenty-something woman on TV and it’s probably her.  Picked one?  Good, let’s continue.] Now walk in, Cunningham, enter this world.  OK.  Make eye contact, then rapid eye aversion, and a desperate attempt not to let on that you know who she is.  Face forward in the elevator, be cool, dammit.  Put down the box you’re carrying. No wait, don’t, it hints that you can’t carry it.  Pick it up again.  Oh man, why’d you do that?  That’s awkward.  Is every other dude in this elevator also sweating?  Yep, they’re definitely sweating.  Why are we like this?  We are grown-ass men.  She’s checking her blackberry, she doesn’t even know we’re here.  A stop on the THIRD FLOOR?  Dude, get on this elevator, you don’t know what you’re in store for.  Oh, you saw her.  Of course you did, she’s like a siren.  Be cool, guy.  No, you’re not being cool.  Alright, ground floor, everyone out.  Third-Floor-Dude, you go first.  Yeah, go.  No, I’m not going, you are.  No, just go first.  You’re making this uncomfortable.  Just.  Go.  Good.  Now I’ll follow and she’s behind me.  Alright.  Yep, you’re holding the door for me, that way you can glance back and make sure it’s who you thought it was.  Yes, it is.  Now back off, I’m holding the door for her. Fiddle with the box, still holding the door… Did you hear that?  She said ‘Thanks’.  Suck it, T.F.D.  Now I’ll look down and mumble back, “No prob.”  “No prob,” right?  It’s how young, cool people say, “No problem.”  Because it’s no problem for me to hold the door open for you.  Even though I was carrying this heavy box, though its not too heavy, because I’m so strong, and I still had enough strength to hold the door for you, so you wouldn’t have to look up from your blackberry.  Because I’m such a gentleman.  A muscular one. 
I’ll do things like this all the time when we’re dating, too.

Things I thought would have happened, but in reality, well, haven't actually happened yet

theoreticallyso:

1) Helicopter ownership by 18 years old, also universal health care

2) First published book by graduation

3) Giants winning back to back superbowls

4) Getting arrested while wandering around in my socks aimlessly in an apartment building at 6 am

5) Falling in love with the jet-set life of a traveling salesman in corporate America

6) Getting into a PhD program and not having to spend $50,000 on a Masters degree to escape the jet-set life of a traveling salesman in corporate America

7) Being able to cook pasta without always looking at the box

8) Reading Infinite Jest, Gravity’s Rainbow, or 2666

9)  Leveraging column in college newspaper to score with hot chicks—relatedly, convincing myself that it’s worth writing for some other motivation than the promise of money, fame, or sex

10) Going bald

I, too, believed in #1, #2, and #7.  I would have believed #9, if my Cav Daily columns weren’t so childish and emasculating.  Would also like to add:

11) Have a life similar to that of Paul Reiser in Mad About You

12) Be able to play the piano by ear after practicing for a solid month.

13) Have traveled since college.  At all.  Like, even to Connecticut or something.